Friday, March 20, 2009

Hyrax review

This is the first instalment of Chainsawgirl22’s animal reviews, and in true altbro spirit, only the most obscure and artisticly genuine of animals will do.

Believe it or fucking not, that retard/guinea pig pictured above is actually one of the closest living relatives to the elephant. Those teeth you can see? Those are the equivalent of tusks. And their molars are reminiscent of that of elephants as well. Hyraxes live in herds of up to 80 individuals. These herds are subdivided into smaller flocks consisting of a few families and headed by an adult male (the way god intended). Hyraxes spend most of their time resting in large huddles or basking alone Xing the fuck up. They’re actually all over Africa, as can be seen here:

The best part? They have naturally evolved suction cups on there feet. The soles of there feet are these fleshy pads, kept moist with sweat. They can control the concavity of these pads with complex musculature on each foot. If this is true, then would it be out of the question to assume that ELEPHANTS HAVE THIS TOO. Look how flat there feet are, they could easily have suction cups on those honkers. Elephants may indeed have the ability to scale walls, like a gecko.

Now, how can we unlock this power? In the inevitable twilight of technology we’re going to face, elephants will once again be pivotal in warfare. Knowing how to scale castle walls with them could, and will, prove useful. We should start research now.


    - The AltestBroStache

  2. Now all we have to do is wait for some sharks to evolve, developing of course laser beams on their heads.