Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
I've found the next pill.
Meanwhile, Back in Communist Russia - Indian Ink
As is clearly illustrated, cocaine only slightly more alt then smoking, yet considerably more harmful (the "not giving a fuck" doctrine, however, eliminates the need for an X axis, so if this is you, take only the Y axis into account). By a hefty sum, both the altest and most harmful is heroin. Sick. establishing a rivalry between the two would be pointless, but just as a point of reference, lets look at a textbook heroin user:
FUCKING SIIIICK. You KNOW you want to look like that. Ratty assed chucks that just spew the trademarked "I don't actually care, you idiot" mentality that in the end, really, defines any worthwhile human. And as Alter boy often observes "it's always been cool for heroin addicts to wear tight pants." What does that tell you? Also if you have Albert Camus' The Stranger memorized like you should, you would know that how and when you die means nothing to the vast indifference of the universe, so you might as well do it with style. This is a typical abstainer of heroin use:
And look how he's dressed. Your choice internet, Mark Renton, or a flaming monk. It's a binery, A or B, don't try and deconstruct this Amberle.
The Following Bands Are Not
Blanks 77, Stitches, Boris The Sprinkler, Queers, Screeching Weasel, Business, Grimple, Pennywise, Snotboy 77, Weston, Swinging Utters, Schleprock, Humpers, Smugglers, Groovie Ghoulies, 88 Fingers Louie, Doom, Destroy, Digger, Destroy 13, Earth Crisis, Green Rage, Bollweevils, Parasites, Das Klown, Zoinks!, Freeze, Battalion of the Saints, Slaughter & the Dogs, Beatnik Termites, Pink Lincolns, NOFX, Snuff, Roswells, Voodoo Glow Skulls, Sloppy Seconds, Citizen Fish, Rancid, Riverdales, Invalids, Furious George, Jughead's Revenge, Pist, Squirtgun, Poison Idea, U.S. Bombs, Dread, Civ, Vindictives, Apocalypse Hoboken, Zeros, Civil Disobediance, Quincy Punx, Teengenerate, Disel Boy, Spazz, Snapcase, Endpoint, Showcase Showdown, Chelsea, Casulties, Crucifux, Hi Fives, Sicko, Sinkhole, Ten Foot Pole, Deface, Spent Idols, Lagwagon, Scared of Chacka, Less Than Jake, Any old punk band that has reformed and/or toured recently, Whitecaps, Gus, GBH (charged or otherwise), Sex Offenders, Good Riddence, Wizo, Moral Crux, Charles Bronson, Assrash, Statistics, DFL, FOL, SNFU, RKL, FYP, Steve McQueens, Strung Out, Whatever, Nimrods, CandySnatchers, Aus Rotton, Slacker, Scoooby Don't, Youth Brigade, Teen Idols, Suckerpunch, Phantom Surfers, Scuz Monkey, Snotrockets, Down By Law, Aggrivators, Dead Silence, Integrity, Schlong, Bouncing Souls, High Standard, Bracket, Horace Pinker, Agnostic Front, Fear, Varukers, Pansy Division, Ringworm, Infest, Man Is the Bastard AKA Charred Remains, Rudimentary Peni, Screw 32, UK Subs, Chaos UK, Total Chaos, UK DK, Submachine, Goops, Guttermouth, Gits, Face to Face, No Use For A Name, Tiltweel, Sludgeworth, Black Fork, Anti Flag, Germs, Skrewdriver, Muffs, SOA, SDD, Gorilla Biscuts, TSOL, Drop Dead, AFI, Youth of Today, Halfmast, Strife, Strike, Sidekick Kato, Blitz, One Life Crew, Bleed, Toast, Mankind?, Torn Apart, Confront, Mandingo, Droids, TKO's, Adolescents, Exploited, Lifetime, Naked Aggression, Thug, John Couger Concentration Camp, Krupted Peasent Farmers, After School Special, Tilt, 108, Action Patrol, Badger, Avail, Ascension, Assfactor 4, Mass Kontrol, Bloodlet, Crumbs, Boywonder, Wynonnia Riders, Adicts, Chisel, Connie Dungs, dead silence, Slug Feast, Econo Christ, DownCast, Doghnuts, Doc Hopper, Judge, Excuse 17, I Spy, Heroine, Face Value, XsteadfastX, The Peechees, The Makers, Lynards Innards, Chain of Strenth, Choke Hold, Sam I Am, Shelter, The Gain, Prema, The Pathetics, Split Lip, Statistics, The Motards, Polics Bastard, warzone, Dag Nasty, Nothing But Puke, The Screamers, The Victims, Head, Gun-n-wankers, Spit Boy, The Socials, Social Resistance, Slip, All Day, The Chubbies, Falling Sickness, The Gargoyles, Mustard Plug, The Fanatics, Misery, Slap Shot, D.I., the Vandals, Sick of It All, Gas Huffer, The Fumes, The Ricketts, The Vibrators, Ice Burn, Buzz Oven, The Oblivions, Jack-o-Fire, Seven Year Bitch, Tit Wrenc , Catharthis, Gomez, The Tards, The Neighbors, Larry Brrrds, The Red Ants, Guilt, The Dils, Fabric, The Mormons, A.P.P.L.E.S., The Victims of the System, Victem's Family, Forlorn, Dryfus, Clawhammer, Blindfold, Deisel Queens, Siren, PinHead Gunpowder, Man Or Astroman?, Slant 6, Filth.
Don't Argue, We're Right And You Never Are
IF YOUR BAND IS ON THIS THIS LIST, BREAK UP, YOU SUCK
Saturday, March 28, 2009
1) Do you care?
This is the first question that needs to be asked before doing cocaine. You may know that cocaine is illegal, and not necessarily healthy, but do you give a shit?
2) Are you a fucking pussy?
Cocaine gives off an alt, rule breaking, elitest, and better-than-you persona. If you are a fucking pussy, this can never be achieved, and thus doing cocaine will benefit you nigh.
3) Do you hate everybody?
Although a majority of this world are plebians, not everyone on this earth is a peasant. Cocaine will rile up your social senses and make you want to converse. If you go in nose first with a goth-fag persona not wanting to talk to anyone, you'll find yourself trapped in a shell that is trying to suffocate your life- but if you latch on to the nearest hipster for a conversation, life is going to be fucking exciting.
Did you answer No to all of these questions? If so, Cocaine is definitely for you! Congrats!
Existentialism is the Ultimatum,
Friday, March 27, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Sweedish Noise-rock. She`s paid to fuck you.
Well they're geeks. And they make pop-punk music. About stuff. The AltestBro kinda dug, y'erd?
AltestBro the last surviving dolphin
I haven't been touched in a deep emotional way such as this since I first touched base with acousticore. I was awestruck. I didn't buy anything and left, later finding that the ALTVendor killed himself shortly after our meeting.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
“River dolphins are now facing extinction due to habitat loss, hunting by humans, and naturally low numbers.”
Fucking GOOD, look at those idiots. Nobody of any worth doesn’t hate them; they’re the hoobastank of the animal world. Not only are these idiots PINK and SLIMY, they also don’t really have eyes, well they do but skin grows over them and they can’t see with them. Also they kill fish by shooting sound at them and stunning them, and then catching them with that tumor they call a face. In a traditional Amazon River
SAVE YOURSELF FROM THE DOLPHIN THREAT
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Here is a simple mathimatical formula for the band:
Altness of singer/guitarist/songwriter + Skill of drummer= worth of band
A=Rob Crow (of Thingy, Pinback, Heavy Vegitable, etc.)+B
Alt as fuck+Zach Hill > Every other drummer= Y
Saturday, March 21, 2009
After traveling all of the altest middle America, I decided to go to the next altest country in the world. Iran, land of the hipsters. It wasn't long before I realized how out classed I truely was. After an important indie figure in central Iran demeaned Obama for a couple hours, he began to dance fiercly to some hip Iranian indie. I quickly picked up the demo he was so vehemently romping to, the got the fuck out of there. I'm never going back.
You can find the track I was exposed to in my short time down there HERE.
Hate the weak,
Friday, March 20, 2009
Was examining some early neanderthal paintings today, specifically Pieter Bruegel's.
Maybe I should start setting my goals lower
Steve Pedersen of Cursive/Criteria. Awesome "indielol" band. Just basically has that Saddle Creek sound to it.
1. "Appeals for Insertion" - (3:08)
2. "Crashing the Clarion" - (2:25)
3. "Devise Executes" - (3:46)
4. "Etc." - (0:57)
5. "Call the Kiss" - (4:54)
6. "Piss and Vinegar" - (2:29)
7. "Adult Entertainment" - (2:29)
8. "Crossing the Rubicon" - (3:34)
9. "No Resolution Theory" - (3:59)
10. "This is Not a Subsistence Existence" - (0:48)
11. "South" - (3:08)
12. "Guts and Black Stuff" - (1:55)
13. "Style No. 6312" - (5:54)
Believe it or fucking not, that retard/guinea pig pictured above is actually one of the closest living relatives to the elephant. Those teeth you can see? Those are the equivalent of tusks. And their molars are reminiscent of that of elephants as well. Hyraxes live in herds of up to 80 individuals. These herds are subdivided into smaller flocks consisting of a few families and headed by an adult male (the way god intended). Hyraxes spend most of their time resting in large huddles or basking alone Xing the fuck up. They’re actually all over Africa, as can be seen here:
The best part? They have naturally evolved suction cups on there feet. The soles of there feet are these fleshy pads, kept moist with sweat. They can control the concavity of these pads with complex musculature on each foot. If this is true, then would it be out of the question to assume that ELEPHANTS HAVE THIS TOO. Look how flat there feet are, they could easily have suction cups on those honkers. Elephants may indeed have the ability to scale walls, like a gecko.
Now, how can we unlock this power? In the inevitable twilight of technology we’re going to face, elephants will once again be pivotal in warfare. Knowing how to scale castle walls with them could, and will, prove useful. We should start research now.
Not too impressed.
Maybe spring provides a healthy median?
See you guys. Good luck in this spring, may it break the shackles of suburban oppression.
Blood for Oil,
When you smoke as much as I do, you meet people.
The other day (Time... it isn't for me) I was reaching in the pocket of my old pea coat for my Russian Styles and matches outside the bank with a look of clear anxiety on my face.
I've been feeling out of place with music, lacking in some form. Able only to listen to the same cassettes over and over. It was the first time I had gone outside my place without a source for music in years. These harrowing thoughts were preoccupying my mind entirely.
I was fucked.
As I struck a match from the standard Osiris Bar match box, I hear a vaguely familiar voice approaching me, asking for a smoke. I looked up to see Karasawa, an Indie Obsession in Tokyo.
After supplying the man with an R.Styles and a match, he began to tell me about his new project, Cosmic Airplane. "The painful Japanese poetry a naive vocal develops in the indie melody line I feel like humming unconsciously. A space-like synthesizer lends gaiety to a twin guitar and a female chorus, and a powerful drum fascinates the manly spirit. The neo-sensualism indie band coming into action centering on Shimo-kitazawa in Tokyo" he muttered in broken English.
Suddenly it was clear. My lust for exploration within the sensitive world of music could easily be satisfied with Karasawa's debonair project.
He provided me with a cassette, and the track, although hastily recorded, is fucking brilliant. I highly suggest a listen.
I've uploaded it here.
War never changes,
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Above is Dfat himself, in all his AltBro glory. It takes a certain kind of SWAGGER and a certain mind set to pull off AltBro, and I took the time to sit down with Dfat himself to get to the bottom of it.
AltestBro: Hello, Dfat.
Dfat: Hey man...
AltestBro: So, tell me, do you associate yourself with the AltBro label?
Dfat: Naw mayne, that shits weak. Next question I gotta be somewhere, man.
AltestBro: Ah, okay. Hold on as I find some of the more important questions... Oh, here we go. How far would a true AltBro go with the elusive Hyrax?
Dfat: Man like, hand down shirt but thats it, I gotta keep up appearances, nawmeen.
AltestBro: N- Yeah I guess. Well, HEY COME BACK HERE WITH MY POKEMON.
AltestBro here, I should have known this would happen. Dfat is quoted to have said "eating all your pokemons muahahahahaha" is one of his favorite hobbies. Oh well, until I catch him next time coming from a wood chopping competition or something, we'll never know what his secrets really are.
Peace from da east
Not sure if I can deal with the burdon of guilt.
1. Big eyed blue
2. New york loop
3. 86 submunitions
6. circus act
7. targeting precision
8. executive realignment
9. sophisticated engineering
So yeah, just thought I'd post an album that speaks to me real quick. An acoustic black metal duo with some serious talent and a knack for making the crowd cry during live performances.
"Grim And Frostbitten Moongoats Of The North"
"Forlorned Invocations Of Blasphemous Congregations Of Lusting Goat Sodomizing Sathanis"
"Gazing At The Blasphemous Moon While Perched Atop A Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Forsaken Crest Of The Northern Mountain"
"Bloodlustfully Praising Satan's Unholy Almightiness In The Woods At Midnight"
"Nocturnal Cauldrons Aflame Amidst The Northern Hellwitch's Perpetual Blasphemy"
"Transfixing The Forbidden Blasphemous Incantation Of The Conjuring Wintergoat"
"Masturbating On The Unholy Inverted Tracks Of The Grim & Frostbitten Necrobobsledders"
"Awaiting The Blasphemous Abomination Of The Necroyeti While Sailing On The Northernmost Fjord Of Xzfgiiizmtsath"
"Lustfully Worshipping The Inverted Moongoat While Skiing Down The Inverted Necromountain Of Necrodeathmortum"
"Awaiting The Frozen Blasphemy Of The Necroyeti's Lusting Necrobation Upon The Altar Of Voxrfszzzisnzf"
"Summoning The Unholy Frozen Winterdemons To The Grimmest And Most Frostbitten Inverted Forest Of Abazagorath"
"Entranced By The Northern Impaled Necrowizard's Blasphemous Incantation Amidst The Agonizing Abomination Of The Lusting Necrocorpse"
"Grim And Frostbitten Gay Bar"
What the fuck happened in 2006? I set out to learn more, and found that Wikipedia had this wisdom to offer:
Fisting is a sexual activity that involves inserting a hand into the vagina or rectum. Typically, fisting does not involve forcing the clenched fist into the vagina or rectum. Instead, all five fingers are kept straight and held as close together as possible (forming a beak-like shape, casually referred to as a "silent duck"), then slowly inserted into a well-lubricated vagina or rectum. Once insertion is complete, the fingers either naturally clench into a fist or remain straight. In more vigorous forms of fisting, such as "punching," a fully clenched fist may be inserted and withdrawn slowly. Fistees who are more experienced may take two fists (double-fisting) in the vagina or rectum. In the case of double-fisting, pleasure is derived more from the stretching of the anus or vaginal wall rather than from the thrusting (in-and-out) movement of hands.
Fisting has been performed on (and by) both men and women; gay, straight and otherwise. While fisting remains unexplored by many people, the ones who do have developed three main techniques: Silent Duck, Double Fist/Side Prayer, and the My Hand In Your Pockets. (aka, fuck you guy who wrote this)
The Silent Duck is the technique most often used, where the person engaging in hand insertion makes a beak-like shape with their hand resembling a duck. Double Fist/Side Prayer is a very advanced technique which only few are capable of achieving. The person engaging in hand insertion (the fister) places their hands palm to palm forming a position similar to one used when praying. Handler then turns theirs parallel to the floor, pointing fingers towards subject's vagina or anus.
But the question remains, what happened in 2006?
The band is Lumen, and the full title of the album is "The Man Felt An Iron Hand Grasp Him By The Hair, At The Nape. Not One Hand, A Hundred Hands Seized Him, Each By The Hair, And Tore Him Head To Foot, The Way You Tear Up A Sheet Of Paper, Into Hundreds Of Little Pieces." No, really. The tracks are named simply by roman numerals. Instrumental math-folk at its very best. III is a highlight.
You know like when your not in, you're just meat flesh?
I mean, I can blog about almost anywhere, on the blog I'm the real me, and only then.
When I'm not im just a nobody, some lil alt kiddie who likes to think he's avant garde and can make some sort of difference, meaningfully or media-ingfully. You know?
I'm sure you do, you always get me.
Well what can I say its been a pretty pomo day, what with not sleeping and these kinda realizations surrounding me. Well its time for some sleep goodnite sweet blog.
That it just got out of hand
Starting to enter a phase of self-loathing
Possibly getting over my previously diagnosed condition of NPD (here)
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
They aren't necessarily fun people, but I like their company because Tim killed himself to one of the songs on their demo, and we can all really relate about it. Staying with them for a weekend was so beyond any experiences I've had in Cali prior to this that I would call it magical. We made wicked sound as a threesome, freestyling tracks better than anything they've recorded. If you haven't already, check out their demo- it will never be as good as the unreleased stuff I've helped the two of them master, but the tracks they have available are sure to fill you.
They Say This Is The Place
Finally! I can order Literature based on, yes, how pretentious it will make me look!
Lets see my options.
$400.00 per foot
Beautiful antique leather books with gold tooling, mostly 19th Century books in good condition. Your library of fine antique leather books can be customized by language or color for a higher price.
Foreign Language Antique Leather
$300.00 per foot
The same beautiful antique leather books as above with books mostly in French, Spanish, and German.
Victorian Era Books
$250.00 per foot
Colorful clothbound titles representing a wide range of subjects popular during the late 19th century.
Contact Jenny McKibben 212.660.6646 email@example.com, for your own custom library!
I just don't want to be like everyone else in the world
Please forgive me.
It’s and age old secret of esoteric knowledge that the more mysterious, poorly recorded, melancholy, relatively obscure and surreal an album is, the better it is.
So delete that Matthew Good album you have, faggot. And download Iran’s The Moon Boys. They definitely have all of the above criteria down; the lyrics, when briefly breaching coherence, tell us stories about hating your lover(altest relationship), fading from existence (the altest way to go), and everything else you deal with on a day to day basis. The music itself is the time-tested formula of loud-quiet-loud, the quiet being downtrodden folk ballads, and the loud being dissonant noise experimentation. We don’t know anything about them other then that there are three of them (three, the altest number), they hail form San Francisco (4th altest town), and two of them may or may not look like this:
Look at those fucking beards(2nd altest faceal hair). That should be enough, really. Fading out is definitely a highlight.
Iran - The Moon Boys
1. Tee Hee
2. Four Armed Star
3. Locked Up Right
4. Black Eye I
5. Fading Out
6. Butterfly Knife
7. We Could Go Away for a While
8. Wuthering Heights
9. Black Eye II
10. Pretty Rows
11. The Moon Shines Bright
12. Long Time Now